That four letter word

Love.
Amor.
Amour.
Sayang.
Amore.
Liefde.

However you say it, it's love. It's the same wherever you go.
I feel the need to write about this because I feel like  the topic of love and relationships has been surrounding my life lately.

It's not doubt that summer is here, and love is in the air. I find myself being asked the same questions on this topic.

"Have you ever been kissed?"
"Have you ever had a boyfriend?"
"Have you ever been, in love?"

The answer to all those questions is a big, fat NOPE.
I don't mean to be all negative about it. It's just when people tend to have the same questions it gets kind of old. Yes, I am eighteen years old and have never had a boyfriend. Nor have these lips been touched by another boys lips. All VL, baby. But thinking back to the question if I have ever been in love, I don't think I have. I maybe look back on it and thought at the time that it was love, but now I realize it wasn't. It was merely an attraction from afar. Dreaming that one day he'd somehow come to his senses and just confess his undying love for me. To be frank, I made it all up in my head. Story of my life. All I will say about the boy is he is gone for the moment, he won't be back for another year and a half, but those feelings are still there. I think they always will be.

Going back to the boyfriend thing, I never saw myself as that girl who would ever be serious with a guy in middle school or high school. I just knew I wasn't that type of girl. It may sound horrible, but I don't want to be tied down to one guy at this time in my life. I'm only a teenager for crying out loud. I feel this is the time in my life where I should be going on lots of dates with different people and just having fun. I never want to be known as "so and so's girl". Or, "Oh yeah that girl? She's _______'s girlfriend." Cringe.

I guess the thought of being someone else's girlfriend is just scary to me. I don't think I will know what to do when I get to that point. What do girlfriends do anyway? What is a girlfriend? 

I guess I don't like the thought of belonging to anyone. I am not some trophy girlfriend to show off. I have always been a wild spirit. I never want anything to hold me down, I crave adventure. I want to travel the world and meet new people and live in a city where no one knows my background, and judges me for what I can become and not what I am.

I don't see myself getting married or settling down anytime soon. Unlike the rest of Utah, I don't plan to be married til about 25. I want my own career first.

Since we are on the subject I thought I'd talk about love and other stuff. I guess the concept of being with one person for the rest of your life is somewhat crazy to me. Possible, but crazy. I see the adults who are married in my life and how they have to work at their marriages and they fight a lot. But I know it's possible for two people to want to spend every moment together, and that's how I see my parents. My dad endlessly drives my mom nuts, but I know she loves him. I think it's amazing to have someone who knows every bit and part of you and accepts you the way you are. I can only hope one day I will have that. And when I do, I will love and accept him the same way.

But at the moment, love can wait.

X Bry